


I Wasn't Waiting Long

by VampAmber



Series: Little Gray Smudge [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Big Brother Castiel, Castiel Needs a Hug, Complete, Dean Needs A Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gabriel Fixes Things, I need a hug, I still feel guilt over torturing these characters, Ice Cream, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Little Brother Gabriel, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, first in a series, forever bad at tagging, homophobia doesn't even exist, so many feels, there will be timestamps later, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8562988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampAmber/pseuds/VampAmber
Summary: The latest studies have found that the average age a person will meet their soulmate is now 26.

Which is why Dean Winchester, no matter how eager he has always been to meet his soulmate, was never expecting to find him at the ripe old age of 18. But after the new student, Castiel Novak, transfers into his 12th grade English class, Dean had never been more excited to be below the average.
Castiel Novak, on the other hand, had been wishing for over seven years to never find his soulmate. After seeing firsthand the devastating effects of finding, and losing, yours, he never wanted that little gray smudge on his wrist to change into a name.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is, in fact, my latest fanfiction. For once, I wrote the entire thing up before posting it, so you guys don't hafta wait for me to get around to updating it (and for anybody following And Never The Two Should Meet, I am sooooooo sorry that I haven't updated in so long). I do plan on making this the first part of a series, though, with plenty of one-shot time stamps to continue the story along. I also plan on eventually doing a proper sequel to this revolving around the pairing Sabriel (Sam and Gabriel). That one will probably take me awhile, though, because the time stamp plot bunnies are already eating through their restraints. Heaven help us all.
> 
> As per usual, if you see any mistakes, please lemme know. And constructive criticism is always welcome (though I already understand the ending feels a tiny bit rushed, but that was more for my own sanity than anything else because writing the angst was hurting my poor heart).
> 
> Enjoy, and remember to subscribe to the series if you want to read the eventual time stamps.
> 
> The entire series is now available in Russian: <https://ficbook.net/readfic/5792557>  
> Translation by [unrea_liss_tic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/unrea_liss_tic/pseuds/unrea_liss_tic)

Every child is born with their soulmate's mark on them. It's usually on the wrist, but if it were to ever get damaged, it would just move to a different location. Scientists have been studying the phenomenon for almost a century at this point, but were still no closer to figuring it out, and by now it was really only the scientists that cared about why it happened. To most, it just was.

In the beginning, it was always just a blur, as if you'd smeared a bit of dark gray ink on your wrist. Only when you finally met your soulmate did it change itself into their name. Fake psychics made a killing, claiming to be able to read the name in the blur before it actually became legible, but with success rates barely above a zero (since all they could do was guess and hope for the best), they never stayed in one place for very long.

Even for the people who weren't very romantic, the idea of finding their soulmate, their very most perfect person in the universe, always held at least a small portion of their average thoughts each day. It didn't exactly help matters any that it was pretty much everywhere. Most of the highest grossing movies each year had at least a decently-sized soulmate subplot, and quite a few of the highest grossing films of all time were romantic stories centering around it. It was everywhere in television shows, and literature had been using it as the ultimate plot device since it had first been understood enough to write about. History classes in public schools would teach about the soulmate principle and how it had affected world events throughout the centuries. It was even included briefly in the sex ed classes taught to the older students (where the teenagers were taught to wait, even if it was their soulmate).

The soulmate finding industry was positively booming. Speed dating sites were some of the most successful businesses out there, since all you really had to do was meet in person for a few minutes, and if your mark didn't change, you moved on. Dating wasn't unheard of outside of soulmates, obviously, since there was really no way of ever knowing when you'd meet yours (and even, Heaven forbid, “if”). But the focus everywhere was always on soulmate love and finding yours. 

Within the last few decades, even colleges were getting in on the deal, offering programs that let you spend each of your semesters at a different location, so as to have more of a chance of running into them. The best schools all offered this as an option, and that tended to make them more difficult to get into. But thankfully, Dean Winchester had lucked out and managed to snag an early acceptance letter for one of the best ones for the program, and would be starting there next fall after he finished high school. Turns out good grades and a lot of extracurricular activities really did pay off in the end.

Dean was one of those not-very-romantic people. Or at least, the front he put forward to everybody was. Inside, deep down where he'd only admit it to himself and his little brother (and okay, maybe Charlie that one time, but he'd basically had no choice), finding his soulmate was what he wanted more than anything else. Sure, he knew he was still really young, and didn't need to be thinking about it too much just yet (a recent study that Dean had actually bothered to read in its entirety had said that the new average age people met their soulmates at was 26), but that didn't stop him from daydreaming about it any chance he got. And this was the perfect chance, because they had been discussing this same story in his English class for almost a week now, and there were only so many times the teacher could drone on and on about the symbolism of the demon that was the soulmate of a trickster spirit before Dean felt like falling asleep where he sat, snores and all. Daydreaming was the much less noisy option.

She was only a few minutes into her latest spiel when there was a light knock on the door, before a very timid looking boy entered, staring down at his feet the whole time. He had hair that was dark enough to look black without being it, and his hoodie looked like it was at minimum one size too big. When the teacher motioned him towards the front of the classroom, he shuffled his feet as he walked.

“Class, we're having a new student join us today for the last few months of the school year. This is Castiel Novak.” She looked at the nervous boy and asked “Would you like to say a little something about yourself, Mr. Novak?” When the kid shook his head, she shrugged and pointed him near the back, where there was an empty seat next to Dean's.

The new kid, Castiel (how on Earth did you even spell that?), shoved his backpack under the desk before sitting down, staring through the desk like it was the next best thing to his feet. Dean couldn't help but stare, himself. Up close, he could see that the hoodie had most definitely seen better days, that the jeans had probably been there for most of those days, and the sneakers that were lightly kicking the leg of his desk were possibly white at one point, but the world would probably never know. The boy put out an air of wanting to disappear into the floor, and Dean couldn't help but feel sympathy for him. Changing schools a few months before the end of the school year had to be tough in general, but when it was your senior year (since this was the 12th grade exclusive English class), that had to suck even more.

Deciding that this act of altruism had absolutely nothing to do with how hot the kid's messy hair looked, and that amazing jawline that was pointed towards the desk's top, Dean shifted a little in his seat so that he would be close enough to speak to the new kid without being overheard by the teacher, who he was pretty sure at this point mostly just liked to hear herself talk. “Hey, I'm Dean,” he said softly, trying to sound reassuring while being quiet enough to escape attention and detention.

Castiel just shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This caused his unkempt hair to shift, and revealed to Dean the quickest glimpse of the most beautiful shade of blue he had ever seen in his short life. He couldn't hold in the amazed gasp, and then the blush that crept up to cover his face in seconds when the face containing those eyes automatically turned towards his gasp. Meeting the blue head-on made it difficult for Dean to breathe. They stared at each other like that for at least twelve eternities before blue eyes widened in fear and immediately looked back down at the desk.

Confusion filled Dean's voice as he tried to get the other boy's attention back. “Hey?” He said, still trying to avoid the teacher's attention. He reached over to try and tap Castiel on his shoulder, but the boy just dodged out of the way. Dean could take a hint, so he spent the rest of the class session trying to pay attention to the teacher drone on and trying to not keep looking over at the person in the desk next to him, and failing at both.

When the bell finally rang, Castiel was up and out of his seat and halfway to the door before Dean had even fully comprehended that it had rung. A few seconds later, he was out the door completely, leaving a stunned Dean Winchester in his wake. But as Dean reached for his own backpack under his seat, he noticed something different. The smudge on his wrist was gone. In its place was a neatly written word: Castiel.

'Oh,' Dean thought, too stunned to really think straight, 'that's how it's spelled.'

~~~

Castiel bolted out of the classroom the absolute second the bell rang, and managed to make it to an empty stall in the nearest men's room he could find before he really started hyperventilating.

What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the fucking hell was that?

As he tried to get air into his lungs, his head was just screaming that over and over again. There was... some sort of connection? What the hell? Castiel had literally never felt anything like that before. Hell, he'd never even felt anything that came within a mile of that before. What the hell?

Castiel sat down on the toilet lid a few minutes later when his breathing started to return to normal, thankful that the bathroom had stayed empty during his entire panic attack. As he reached his hand up to his forehead to push the hair out of his eyes (he'd needed a haircut for the past few months, but had just never gotten around to it), he froze. The sleeve of his oversized hoodie had slipped down just enough that his wrist was bare. His wrist that now had the word “Dean” written on it, as clear as day.

“No...” Castiel whispered, right before jumping up and turning around just in time to get the lid back up again before throwing up violently into the toilet.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean was still in an absolute daze an hour later when his best friend Jo informed him of the latest gossip going around the school: that the new kid had went to the nurse's office a few minutes ago, and was already being sent home on his first day. Dean just nodded dumbly. Had he been sick? Was that why he'd reacted that way? He did look a little pale, there at the end.

Dean almost wanted to roll the sleeves of his flannel shirt up, to show off his new mark name, but decided against it since he hadn't really gotten to properly talk to his soulmate yet. His soulmate. Holy crap, he had a soulmate! This was the greatest thing ever! He was the very first of his friends to meet their soulmate, and he was pretty sure he was one of only about three or four students in the entire high school to have done so. He knew vaguely of some sophomore girl who'd had her mark since she was three and met the boy next door for the first time and had been the talk of the town ever since, but he couldn't really think of anybody else around his age that had found theirs already. Holy shit, he'd found his soulmate!

Paying attention for the rest of the day was practically impossible, so instead Dean spent every spare second wondering about this Castiel guy. Obviously, he was shy. With how he'd been acting, that was a total given. They were about the same age. They had the same tastes in music, if the band shirt he'd been wearing underneath his hoodie was any indication. And he had the bluest eyes that have ever existed, and unbelievably sexy hair that was only about a shade or two away from being black that really looked like it was due for a trim (or he could be growing it out, that was always a possibility, he'd probably look great with longer hair). Other than that, Dean didn't really know anything about the new kid. He hadn't even spoke yet, so Dean couldn't even picture what it'd be like talking to him.

For the rest of the day, Dean kept messing with the cuff around his wrist, every so often glancing underneath it at the name when he thought no one was looking. Tomorrow couldn't come anywhere near fast enough, as far as he was concerned. Hopefully Castiel would be feeling better by then. Dean really wanted to talk to his new soulmate. Even thinking the word made him feel giddy. Soulmate.

~~~

After vomiting up breakfast, what was quite possibly everything he had ever eaten in the last three weeks, and then dry heaving for at least another minute, Castiel was finally able to stagger to the office. He'd been there earlier to get his schedule, and had been told that was where the nurse's office was. He knew he probably shouldn't be dragging his aunt Amara away from her job just for a panic attack, but there was no way he was going to be able to stay the rest of the day, not like this. His legs were already just barely supporting him when the secretary sent him back to the small, cramped office that was what counted as an infirmary in this high school. The town was small, he had to admit, but this was ridiculous. His legs gave out right as he was next to the bed, thankfully, and he fell with a thump onto the lumpy cot's mattress. The nurse had turned around at her desk when he'd entered the room, but now she rushed over.

“Oh no, what's wrong?” She asked as she fussed about, checking his forehead for a temperature.

“Panic attack,” he mumbled, hoping against hope that he had managed to clean his face off completely. “My file should say...” He trailed off, starting to feel a little sick again.

“You're one of the new kids, right?” The nurse asked, and he nodded. “You're... Castle, right?” He gave her a weak glare, but she was already typing on the computer, looking for his file. “Oh, I'm sorry. It's Castiel,” she said, still pronouncing it oddly. She typed for a few more seconds, skimmed through whatever it was that popped up, then turned to face him. “I'll just go call your aunt, see if she can pick you up then. You okay laying down on the cot for now?” 

Other than the name screw up, she seemed pretty nice, so he nodded and took off his backpack and put it on the floor. While she went back into the office area, he leaned back and covered his eyes, making certain to use the hand that wasn't connected to the offending wrist with its glaring mistake. He wasn't supposed to get a soulmate, because he never wanted one. Not after his parents, after his dad...

The nurse came back in then, thankfully, and told him that Amara was on her way, and would be here in about ten minutes or so. He again nodded weakly, then put his hand back over his eyes and spent the rest of the wait trying his hardest to not cry.

~~~

Where as usually, Dean would have had choir after school today, he was for once actually thankful that it was canceled (it was his favorite extracurricular, since he liked singing anyway). Hopping into his beautifully restored '67 Chevy Impala, which had been a birthday gift and a total junker two years ago, he headed home, eager to tell his little brother the big news. He hadn't told anybody at school yet, since he still wanted to talk to Castiel first (that was such a mouthful, maybe he should just call him “Cas”?), but he figured talking about it to his little brother should be just fine.

Sammy was in his last year of middle school, so he was already home by the time Dean got there. When he pulled up into the driveway, Dean rolled up the sleeves on the open flannel shirt he had on over his own band shirt (maybe they could share each others' shirts? Cas had looked about the right size, maybe), wondering if his brother would spot the name on his wrist before he was able to tell him. It was about even odds, because Sammy was really observant, but this was really unexpected.

He strolled into the house, backpack hanging off one shoulder. He grinned when he saw the messy haired kid sitting on the couch watching television. “Heya Sammy,” he called.

His brother pressed the pause button and looked over. “You're back early,” he said, before getting up with his can of Coke in his hand, taking a sip.

“Yeah, choir was canceled. His wife went into labor this morning.” Dean just shrugged, smiling even bigger. Sammy hadn't noticed yet. Maybe he wouldn't? It had almost turned into a game at this point. He snagged the can from his brother and took a big drink, trying to give his brother an unfair advantage in this game that existed only in Dean's head.

“Hey, that's mine Dean! Give it ba...” Just as Sammy was reaching for the can, his eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped. “Your... your...” Dean just nodded. “But when? How? Who?”

Dean laughed. While he put on a calm and apathetic front with other people, he'd always been completely honest with his brother about how much he wanted to find his soulmate, mostly because Sammy was just as excited about finding his own. It had actually been Sammy that had suggested the college to Dean, because he had been planning on going there himself when he was old enough.

“There was a new guy at school. He came in during my first period English class. He's really shy, so I haven't exactly got to talk to him yet, but I know his name is Castiel Novak.” Dean showed off the beautiful writing on his wrist (it was a really simple script, but it was his soulmate's name, so that automatically made it beautiful). He traced the letters, now that he had a chance to do it without having to answer a bunch of questions.

“Do you have any other classes with him?” Sammy asked, already enraptured. He'd read that same study that Dean had, the one about the average age being 26, so his 18 year old brother finding his was one of the most interesting things that Sammy had heard of in a long time.

Dean shrugged. “Dunno. He rushed out of class at the end of the bell, and apparently went home sick after. Maybe he had food poisoning or something.” Dean sighed, totally sounding like the lead in a chick flick, but for once he really didn't care. “His eyes were so damn blue. Like, seriously fucking blue.”

“I am so jealous,” Sammy groaned out. Dean had all the luck. “Can I meet him soon?”

“Soon as I talk to him, yeah.” Dean grabbed his backpack and headed in the direction of the staircase so he could do his homework in his bedroom. He stopped and turned around when he was almost there though, and asked his little brother “You still have all those soulmate magazines?”

Sammy nodded and laughed. “Yeah, they're still in the bottom drawer of my computer desk.” He stuck his tongue out at his brother and Dean returned the favor before heading up the stairs to grab a magazine or two to read in between math problems.


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel stayed locked up in his room for the rest of the night. The ride back to Amara's house had been unbearable, what with her trying so damn hard to find out the reason behind the panic attack this time, and Castiel looking at his covered up wrist every few seconds, wishing this was all just a nightmare.

Castiel still hadn't been willing to talk about it by the time they got home, and he had immediately went to the room that had been given to him when he moved in a few days ago. Most of his stuff was still in boxes, but since he hadn't had much stuff before moving, that meant that there were still very few. He flopped down on his bed, which was new to him, as well as all the rest of the furniture in the room. It was all way nicer than what he'd been used to before, and that just made him feel worse. If he could've just lasted a few more months, he would've been 18. He could've gotten his diploma, gotten a job, and taken his little brother Gabriel with him somewhere, and they could've lived on their own. Gabe was 15 and wouldn't need a babysitter, so it would've been perfect. But no, his dad...

Castiel turned around and screamed into his pillow. He was going to end up just like him. That stupid fucking name was going to end up killing him. Pulling his face out of the pillow, he started scratching at his wrist, at the four offensive little letters written on it. Why couldn't it have just stayed a damn smudge? For over seven years now, he had prayed every single night for it to stay a smudge. But now? He kept scratching at it, the skin starting to peel away under his fingernails, letting out the tiniest bits of blood. You could barely see the letters now, and definitely couldn't make out what they said. It was then that the tears finally showed up. He didn't want to end up like his dad. He had to be strong for Gabe, strong like his older sister Anna couldn't be.

Anna was four years older than him, and the second she'd finished high school, she'd escaped, gotten out, and went to a college all the way across the country. She'd gotten enough scholarships and grants that she could actually afford it, and since leaving she'd sent them a cheap card every Christmas, and only called once or twice to talk for a minute or so before having to hang up. Normally, his sister getting into a great college would've been awesome news, but Anna had abandoned them. She had cried and cried, trying to explain that she wasn't, that she was trying to save herself. In the very beginning, she had even talked about plans to bring them out to live with her. But those plans were flimsy at best, and after she'd been gone for two months with no word, he and his brother had figured out that it was never going to happen.

He hadn't wanted to move in the first place. He had wanted, desperately, to stay exactly where he was, in his really small town where he had already met pretty much every single person there for long enough to know they weren't going to set off his mark and curse him. He was safe back home, safe from finding a soulmate. But when his dad just couldn't take it any more, Castiel and his brother had been shipped off here, to their dad's sister. Gabriel was perfectly fine coming here, he wasn't worried about finding his soulmate or anything like that. He'd always been so care free, so easy going. If anybody on this planet wasn't going to turn out like their dad, it was him. 

But Castiel had never had that kind of faith in himself. He'd been so much like their father, and that was why, with tears streaming down his face, he started scratching again at his wrist again. Not enough to make it move, of course (he'd heard that it did that, from people who'd gotten burn scars there or something). It would shift, and end up on the other wrist, or your shoulder, or a leg. The damn thing was persistent, and that pissed Castiel off more than anything else. He could never get rid of it.

And the very worst part of it was, deep down beneath all the panic and fear, he wished he could've gotten to know Dean, at least a little. He had seemed really nice, trying to talk to the new kid and make him feel better. He'd had a really sexy voice, and his eyes were this intense green that Castiel could've easily swam in. He'd been wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt even, which meant they had the same tastes in music. If his name hadn't shown up on Castiel's wrist, he would've been a great guy to befriend and maybe even date. But no, Dean's name had to go and get permanently scarred into Castiel's flesh, and just ruin everything.

Face down on his pillow, Castiel finally stopped crying after a few more minutes, and rightfully exhausted, fell asleep, his wrist already starting to scab over. He never wanted morning to come, but his body had other ideas.

~~~

Dean was so excited that he barely slept that night. At least he had managed to force himself to finish his homework, thankfully, by way of plowing through three different magazines as a reward while doing so. He'd hid his wrist again at dinner, not really wanting to face the third degree from his parents, since he had so few answers himself at this point. He didn't even know where Cas lived, or what his family was like, or what he was planning on doing after graduation, so Dean doubted he'd be able to answer many questions without using different versions of “I don't know” over and over again.

When his alarm went off at his usual time once morning came, Dean had already been up for an hour, trying to figure out what to wear. Yeah, they'd already had their first meeting, true, but today would (hopefully, if he wasn't still out sick) be the very first time they talked. That had to have major significance, right? Hell, from this point forward, every first would have significance. Maybe he should start writing everything down in a notebook so he'd remember it better? Dean decided to hit up the store on the way home after school and buy a really nice one. Maybe the Hallmark store at the mall had soulmate-themed ones? That would make it even more perfect.

Dean's bed was currently covered with almost every single shirt that he owned. He was already wearing his favorite jeans, because he knew full well they were the ones that looked best on him (he got complimented constantly whenever he wore them). But the shirt, that was what was key here. Should he go casual again? Maybe a nice, fancy button up? Or would that be too old fashioned? Too overdressed for a second first meeting? He grabbed his head in his hands and groaned, then groaned even louder when he looked at his alarm clock and saw that if he didn't get downstairs really soon, he'd be late for school. No way could he be late today. So he grabbed the first shirt on the pile, a gray AC/DC concert shirt he'd found years ago at a yard sale, threw on a random flannel shirt over top of it and rushed to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Didn't want to accidentally scare Cas off with morning breath.

Breaking a few more speed limits than he normally would've done on a Tuesday morning, Dean arrived outside his English classroom with a few minutes to spare before the bell was going to ring. A quick glance inside the room told him that he'd beat Cas, so he leaned against the wall by the door to wait. Just when the last students had trickled in and Dean was afraid he was still out sick from the flu or whatever had made him go home the day before, Cas started to rush past Dean to get into the classroom. Had he not seen Dean?

“Hey Cas,” Dean said, moving to partially block the door. Was the poor guy still sick? Dean gave his face a quick once over, and while he was still beautiful and still pale looking, it wasn't quite the I'm-sick kind of pale, just the my-hobbies-all-happen-inside kind.

“Please just let me through,” Cas whispered back. First words! Dean made sure to memorize them.

And then the tone behind the words caused Dean to go into an instant panic. “Hey, you okay? Are you still sick? Do you need to go back to the nurses office?” He reached a hand out to try and grab Cas by the shoulder, but again, the other boy dodged away like a snake was trying to bite him. Dean gave him a very confused look in response.

“Just please... leave me alone?” Cas said, finally looking up at Dean, tears starting to pool in eyes already filled with terror. Dean moved away from the door on auto-pilot, letting Cas enter. He kept staring at the place where Cas had been standing as the bell rang. Dean... didn't know how to process this. He'd made Cas cry? What'd he do wrong? He'd been trying to help, he really had. Dean wanted nothing more than his soulmate to be happy and healthy, of course. But that terrified expression? The tears? He had to have done something wrong.

Only when the teacher called through the open doorway that class would be starting now did Dean even realize he'd missed the bell by over a minute. He walked into the classroom in a daze, barely registering the teacher glaring at him or the other students laughing. By some miracle, he managed to find his desk and sit down in it without falling. If you had paid Dean a million dollars, he still couldn't have told you what the teacher had talked about during that session, but he could tell you exactly what Castiel Novak had done almost every single second of that period, and not just because it had been sit silently with his head on his desk the entire time, almost as if he were sleeping. When the bell rang at the end of the class period, Dean practically jumped out of his skin, he was so startled. Cas actually did jump out of his chair, doing a slightly less frenzied version of what had happened the day before. Was he headed back to the nurse's office? Was this all Dean's fault?

He walked slowly to his next class, trying to figure out where exactly he had gone wrong. Was there maybe something happening at home, and Dean had only made it worse by trying to talk to the poor guy? Had somebody died maybe? It would make sense, since Cas had just moved here. Dean spent the rest of the day trying to figure this problem out, and while he was happy when Cas was seated on the other side of his room in his math class, and was three seats down from him in Biology 2, he hadn't seen him at lunch, which made him think the problem was bigger than he thought. Nobody hid during lunch, because there was really nowhere to hide. Dean snuck glances at the new guy, at his soulmate (though the word didn't fill him with anywhere near as much euphoria as it did yesterday), every chance he had gotten, but the puzzle just didn't click. Cas kept his head on his desk during the two other classes they shared, and occasionally sent him a glare when he must've felt Dean staring, but was otherwise barely present in the room.

Heading to his locker after the final bell, Dean let out what was probably the weariest sigh ever, when he noticed Cas heading towards his locker. His face was once again pointed towards his shoes, and he hadn't noticed Dean yet, so against his better judgment Dean ducked his head behind the open locker door to hide. It was a bit of a cheap move, but Dean was worried enough about Cas that he was willing to forgive himself.

As if the universe wasn't teasing him enough, it turned out Cas' new locker was only two down from Dean's. If he could ever get whatever was wrong fixed, that would be the greatest stroke of luck ever, but for now, he was afraid that he'd scare Cas off, and that made a little pebble of guilt start growing in Dean's chest. After Cas had finished at his locker and closed it, Dean closed his own to confront him. Before Cas had the chance to bolt (and it looked like that was his very next move), Dean held up his hands in surrender. “Listen, I don't know what I did wrong,” he started, trying to keep the tremble out of his voice, “but can we at least talk about it or something? I don't like knowing that I hurt you or whatever, and...” Dean stopped, because he didn't really know where to go from here.

Cas looked slightly less terrified, but Dean could immediately tell that the tears were about to start back up again. “I'm sorry,” Dean said immediately. Oh crap, he did not ever want to see Cas cry again. The first time it had broken his heart. “Whatever it was I did, I'm so sorry. Please don't cry.” Dean was babbling, but at this point he didn't care. The hallway had already cleared out, so it wasn't like he was embarrassing Cas in front of anybody at this point. “I can fix it. Whatever it was, I can totally fix it. I can make sure to never do it again. I can be a total ass sometimes, I can be rude, and inconsiderate, and I'm sure I must've said something or done something really stupid, and I'm so sorry.”

Cas cut off Dean's babbling with a low “It wasn't you.” He still looked close to tears, but the terror seemed to have washed away completely.

“But...” Dean tried to start, but nothing would come.

“I...” Cas said, looking unbelievably uncomfortable even saying the few words he had, “I just can't have a soulmate.” He gave this pleading look to Dean that broke his heart even worse than the tears had.

“Like, right now? I can wait. I promise, I'll wait as long as I have to Cas.”

“Like ever,” Cas said, before turning around and walking away. Dean stared after him, suddenly unable to remember how to speak, or even walk. It was like he'd been hit, and it was through sheer force of will alone that he even remained standing. Did... Castiel not want him?


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel ignored his little brother's attempts at trying to make him talk during the entire walk home, and sent him some of the nastiest glares he had in his arsenal whenever Gabe had tried to crack a joke. But still he tried, because that was just how Gabe was, always trying to help people feel better. It was why Gabe was safe here, Castiel thought to himself when they finally reached their aunt's house.

“C'mon Cassie, I know you, you're sulking about something,” Gabe wheedled. “Fess up already, and make life easier on us all.”

“I don't want to talk about it right now,” Castiel finally answered, hoping that would shut the boy up. Yeah, not so lucky there.

“So there IS something,” Gabe all but shouted. “I knew it! Is there somebody bullying you or something? I can beat 'em up for you, put the fear of the archangel Gabriel in 'em.” At barely five foot three inches, the threat coming from his-little-in-every-way-but-personality brother wouldn't have sounded intimidating under the best of circumstances, but with him adding in his usual joke about who he'd been named after, any actual threat had been lost to the winds before he had even finished speaking.

Castiel just sighed.

Gabe's eyes widened. “It's a girl, isn't it? You ask someone out and they said no? I can put the fear of the archangel in them with none of the beating up parts, if you want.”

This just was not going to end, was it? “It's wasn't a girl.”

“Guy then. I just love these open and heartfelt conversations we have, big bro, though you probably oughta talk a bit less so I can get a word in edge-wise.” He grinned before continuing. “So, asked a guy out and he turned you down? You work fast, man. We can figure this out though. Big displays of affection. Lots of candy and flowers and balloons. Ooh, we could hire someone to serenade him at lunchtime! I bet the choir kids would be all for that.”

“I didn't ask anybody out!” Castiel finally shouted to shut Gabe up. “I don't want any of that...” He said this much softer, about a half step away from a whisper.

Gabe's shoulders fell, and he dropped his backpack by the door to rush over and give Castiel a huge, if mostly unwanted, hug. “We've been over this a billion times, big bro: none of that shit was your fault, and you are not, I repeat not, going to turn out like Dad. He wasn't all that right upstairs to begin with.” Finally letting his brother go, Gabe shrugged. “Besides, it's not like it would've been that big of a deal with this guy anyway. Dad only freaked out like he did cuz Mom was his soulmate.” At the look on Castiel's face when he said this, Gabe's jaw dropped. “Nooooooooo,” he said slowly. “No way. No. Fucking. Way.”

Probably looking as broken as he felt, Castiel just nodded and pulled up his sleeve, showing off the four letters to his brother. A single tear made its way down his left cheek as he sat down on the bottom step. “Whatever you do, don't tell anyone.”

“Shit Cassie... shit. This is... this is big. Huge. Freaking enormous,” Gabe was saying as he started pacing. “You're freaking seventeen. People that young don't meet their soulmates.”

“I did,” Castiel said dejectedly. A few more tears had already joined that first one, and he didn't even bother trying to wipe them away. He knew there'd be plenty more now.

“That's just way too young though.” Gabe stopped pacing and sat next to Castiel, giving him a sideways hug when he saw the tears were now flowing in earnest. “Was he at least nice?”

“He was...” Castiel started, then had to take a steadying breath before he could continue. “He tried to make me feel welcome...” After that, Castiel couldn't say anything else because he had went from crying just a little to full on ugly crying, complete with minor hyperventilation and stuff dripping out of his nose. Gabe just hugged him until he could breathe again, and suddenly he was very grateful that their aunt worked really long hours every night. He seriously did not feel like explaining this to her right now. At least the scabs were gone by morning, so he hadn't had to worry about explaining that. “Don't even... think he knew... what I was...” He tried to say through gulps of air. “Knew today though...”

“You found a nice guy? That's great man. There is way worse you could be stuck with for a soulmate. Just look at all those people on the news with serial killers and shit for soulmates, visiting them in jail and everything. Could be waaaaaay worse than a nice guy that tried to make some new kid feel welcome at school,” Gabe said, trying his hardest to make his brother feel better.

Castiel knew Gabe was always worried about him, that he had been going out of his way since the panic attacks had started three years ago to try and take care of him. But Gabe was the younger brother, and shouldn't be stuck taking care of anybody. Castiel had always been the one that shouldered all the responsibility once Anna had ran off and deserted them, and had already shouldered most of it when she was still there. He'd cleaned and cooked and taken care of their father. He'd watched after Gabe, always making sure he ate healthy and finished his homework and was in bed before the hour was way too crazy. He was the one that had to sell his stuff and pull together extra money to make sure the bills were paid and food was on the table. Castiel was the one that was supposed to take care of everything, but since these damn panic attacks started, Gabe was always trying to take care of him. It was no fair, and it made Castiel feel even more guilty than usual whenever Gabe was like this.

“You shouldn't have to take care of me,” Castiel whispered, almost hoping his little brother didn't hear him.

“Bull. Shit.” Gabe emphasized each syllable like it was the most important thing ever said. And right now, it probably was. “You took on way too damn much after Mom died. Even Anna thought you took on too much, and she was the one avoiding doing anything herself to help. None of this was ever your fault, and you sure as fuck don't deserve even a tenth of a percent of the shit you heap onto yourself, Castiel.” The lecture was getting into full swing now, because Gabe was getting seriously sick of Castiel practically killing himself with guilt and self doubt and God only knows what else was inside that head making everything awful. “I am going to take care of you because you refuse to do it your own damn self. I am going to take care of you until you stop killing yourself with whatever misplaced guilt issues you decided were more important than your own damn happiness. And I am going to keep taking care of you until this Dean guy takes my damn place. You got that? Because I do not feel like repeating myself, you idiot.”

Castiel just stared at Gabe, open mouthed. Gabe did not get angry. Gabe did not yell. Gabe did not do anything like what he just did. There wasn't a single joke in that huge tirade of seriousness. And something about that seriousness, something that had never happened before, that made the words actually soak through into Castiel's brain.

“But,” Castiel started before he was cut off.

“Nuh-uh, big bro. I've been watching you self destruct for way too long at this point. I thought you were feeling better now that Dad is off getting the help he should've gotten day one, but now this? No way am I letting you do this to yourself.” Gabe all but crushed Castiel in a bear hug. “We're gonna get you upstairs. You're gonna dump off your crap in your room. You're gonna wash your face cuz it looks like shit right now. Then I am taking you to that ice cream place somebody told me about yesterday and you are eating ice cream until you get at least eighteen cavities. You are going to freaking be happy for once, and if I have to make every godawful pun I know to get that smile out of your face, I can and I will. Now go,” Gabe said as he let go and started to pull Castiel up from his sitting position.

Castiel was so stunned that he followed the orders to the letter. He left his backpack on his bed, he went to the bathroom and washed his face with a cool wash cloth, and he even bothered to run a brush through his unruly hair before leaving the bathroom (not that it helped any, but it was still the thought behind the action). When he met Gabe at the front door a few minutes later, he was still walking like he was hypnotized. His brain had completely short-circuited at the immense load of information his little brother had laid on him a few minutes ago.

“Wasn't I supposed to take on everything?” Castiel asked, no longer upset, but now just confused. “Didn't I need to fix everything?”

Gabe just sighed. “No, you weren't. Dad fucked up, bad. Everything that happened was his fault, not yours. He should've been doing everything you were. But he didn't, and Anna wouldn't, and you and your damn martyr complex stepped in to fill all those empty shoes. But there were way too many, and nobody could fill them all. You spent all that time taking care of us, bro, but never spent any taking care of yourself.” Gabe reached for another hug, and for the first time in almost a decade, Castiel met him in the middle. “We love you,”Gabe said, his voice wavering a little, “but you keep on not loving yourself, and that's just not right. It hurts me to see you this bad, Cassie. Hurts me, and I'm sure it hurts everybody else that knows you enough to love you. Please, stop beating yourself up for Dad's weakness. Please? For me?” Even Gabe couldn't deny the tears sliding down from his eyes now.

“Somebody had to fix it, though,” Castiel said. “You were a kid, and didn't deserve that. Anna was... She was Anna, like always,” Castiel squeezed harder, regretting that he had washed his face earlier since there were already new tear stains. “I didn't want you to suffer.”

“That's the thing, bro: I didn't. Not like that. And even if you hadn't done any of that, I wouldn't have. Things would've worked out, even if you hadn't tried so hard, numb nuts. Kinda like they're working out now, you see?” When Castiel sniffled and nodded, Gabe continued. “A soulmate isn't the end of the world. Yeah, shit can happen, shit can always happen, but guess what? Just cuz it can happen doesn't mean it WILL. Dad was actually a rare case. You remember what all those therapists kept telling us. He already had all that crap in him, it was just a breaking point or whatever. You didn't, though. You took his, and that's not fair to you, Cassie. Not fair at all.” Gabe could feel his brother shake his head, and he pulled the hug tighter.

“So please, please try and not beat yourself up over this? Please? I'll even pay for rainbow sprinkles if you do?” At Castiel's small laugh, Gabe let the hug go.

Wiping at his eyes with his hoodie's sleeve, Castiel glared at his brother in a joking way. “You can't bribe me with sprinkles because I don't like them.”

“There he is,” Gabe said, smile big as his face. “There's my big bro again. I missed you.”

Castiel blushed and looked down at his feet. “I just didn't want to end up like him,” he said, finally talking in a normal tone of voice.

“'Course you didn't. Who would? But I can absolutely guarantee you won't,” Gabe grabbed one of the tissues he'd put in his pocket while Castiel was getting ready and handed it to his brother, pulling out a second for himself. “Wanna know how I can? Cuz you're way cooler than Dad ever was.” When Castiel actually laughed out loud, Gabe just smiled and led him to the doorway.

“So,” Gabe started as he locked the front door behind them, “how hot is this Dean guy?”


	5. Chapter 5

Dean ran into Charlie as he walked out to his car. He'd been trying to hold in his tears until at least he was inside of his Baby, but the second she spotted him and waved, it was Niagara Falls out of both eyes. “Dean? What the hell?” Charlie asked, immediately engulfing the taller man into the best hug she could possibly offer.

It took a few minutes of crying like crazy before he could finally speak. He started to tell her everything that had happened since yesterday, and motioned her to get into the passenger seat of the Impala when he was about halfway through so that he could show her the name on his wrist. She of course gasped in all the right places, and was crying a little herself by the time he got to the end of the story.

“But I thought everybody was happy when they finally met their soulmate?” She asked, perplexed. She'd never heard of anybody acting even remotely like this Castiel guy when they found theirs.

“Everybody but him, I guess,” Dean said before wiping his eyes with a leftover fast food napkin. He offered another one to Charlie to wipe at her own tears, which she refused until he assured her it was clean.

“So, Hollywood has lied to us then? No way,” she joked, trying to get her friend to smile. When he laughed at her weak attempt at humor, she pulled him into the best sideways hug you could offer in the front seat of a car. “Listen, this is I guess kinda sorta like a break-up, so that means we have to go eat our weight in ice cream.” Dean nodded, so she continued. “And we both know that a few pints of Ben & Jerry's ain't gonna do, so let's head over to that kick ass place over on Fifth that you love so much but pretend not to because the frilly, froofy decorations.” 

When he laughed again, Dean knew that he was gonna survive. It was gonna hurt like hell for a really long time, but he was at least going to survive. When they pulled into the parking lot of the place a few minutes later, they headed in to buy as much ice cream as they could eat, and then probably an extra scoop or so more. Charlie ordered a huge three scoop sundae with practically every single topping, and Dean ordered the same thing except with six scoops. They managed to find a table that wasn't near any of the stupid hearts and rainbows and crap (as much as Dean loved just about everything about soulmates as a whole, these cheesy soulmate-themed restaurants annoyed the living hell out of him, because they were always so overwhelming in their cheap unoriginality), and dug in while simultaneously complaining about how they were both going to end up exploding before they finished.

Four and a half scoops in and already hearing his stomach pleading for mercy, Dean looked up from his gastronomic monstrosity when he heard a loud gasp. Standing only a few feet away from his table, holding what looked like a waffle cone filled with Rocky Road, was Cas.

“Hey, what's the hold up?” The kid who was walking behind Cas asked, moving around to the side to see what was happening.

“Dean...” Cas said, eyes wider than dinner plates, as a blush crept up to engulf his face.

“Umm... Hey Cas...” Dean said before nodding meekly, not exactly sure what one was supposed to do in this situation.

“So that's...” Charlie started to say, right as the kid next to Cas started with “That's him?” They both looked at each other, and without saying another word, Charlie got out of her seat and grabbed her mostly empty ice cream dish, and followed Cas' friend, who was holding what looked to be something from the kid's section of the menu, since it was every color of the rainbow and had more candy than ice cream. Charlie mouthed a 'good luck' to Dean before they were both gone from view.

“You can, I guess, umm, sit down if you want?” Dean mumbled, pointing to the now vacant seat in front of him while completely butchering the English language. “Or go. You could go too, and not have to see me or whatever.” He scratched the back of his neck, feeling more awkward than he had even at the lockers earlier.

Though thankfully, Cas looked just as awkward, if not more so. He nodded stiffly and sat down, looking at his ice cream cone instead of Dean. But that was at least a start, right? He didn't run off screaming. Maybe there was at least a possibility of a friendship, Dean thought hopefully.

After a few minutes of the most awkward ice cream eating in history, Dean finally bit the bullet to start the conversation. “Listen, I wanna apologize for how I acted earlier. I was a total jackass to you, and you totally didn't deserve it.”

“I'm the one that should be apologizing,” Cas responded softly. Dean was starting to wonder if maybe Cas had one of those really soft voices, or if he just really did not want to be talking in the first place. “I...” Cas paused, and to fill the silence he took a bite from his cone. When he finished chewing and swallowed, he tried again, that blush from earlier returning with a vengeance. “I have a lot of issues, and I'm not exactly good with, well, anything that has to do with much of anything, and I guess I kind of took it out on you. I'm sorry.” He looked up then, and Dean once again forgot how to breathe, those blue eyes making his brain melt into a puddle of goo inside his skull.

“Naw, it's okay, I can get that,” Dean said, about twenty seconds later than he probably should've. “I was probably coming on too strong, and I'm sure that was more than enough to freak anybody out. I just,” he stopped and let out a short laugh then. “I was always one of those kids that were constantly daydreaming about meeting their soulmate, and there you were, and...” He didn't bother finishing his thought, and instead just shrugged.

“And then you get me,” Cas said sadly.

“No, no, no no no,” Dean said forcefully. “You are totally amazing, and I couldn't've asked for a better one.”

Cas just shook his head. “No, I'm not. You don't even know anything about me.”

“Fine,” Dean said, rising to the challenge. “Then tell me.”

“Tell you what?” Cas tilted his head in confusion and Dean seriously thought that he'd lost an IQ point or two from how majorly that act of adorableness had affected him.

“Everything. Anything. Whatever you want. I need information to be able to properly judge you, right? Well, get with the information already.”

Cas just stared at him. From just his eyes alone, Dean could tell how unbelievably confused the poor guy was. They just stared at each other like that, melting ice cream forgotten. Just when Dean started to think maybe he wasn't going to say anything at all, Cas started speaking. It wasn't a soft tone, or a whisper, or anything Dean had already heard. It was almost lifeless, dead, without feeling.

“My dad's in a mental institution. He became depressed when his soulmate, my mom, died in a car accident when I was ten. He refused to get help until a week ago, when the cops got called on him for trying to kill himself with a gun. He missed, and the other people in our building called 911 when they heard the gun go off. Up until then, though, I'd been taking care of pretty much everything. I did all the housework, and practically raised my brother Gabe, who was that guy I came in with. They shipped us off to live with our aunt, which is why we moved here. I took on all the blame for everything, and ended up developing what the therapists labeled as a major anxiety disorder. I was so afraid of becoming like him that I had a panic attack when I met you. I knew that if I met my soulmate, they'd die and I'd be just like him. I'm messed up and broken and I can completely understand why you wouldn't want me now, and I promise to never bother you again.” The entire time he was speaking, he hadn't shown a single emotion, even with how heavy and hard to say most of the information must have been.

Cas started to get out of his chair, presumably to leave, but Dean was getting out of his chair too. Cas scrunched up his features in confusion until Dean had enveloped him in a huge hug. Dean's shoulders shook as he cried, what were possibly the tears Cas himself couldn't, and he had completely forgot at this point that they were in a public place as he just held on as tight as he could. It took a minute or so, but finally, in the best thing that had ever happened to Dean, Cas started squeezing back. He could feel the wetness start to spread on his shoulder as Cas' tears started flowing as hard as Dean's, and they just stood there like that, holding onto each other for dear life.

When they finally drew apart, what felt like eons later, Dean wiped at one of the tears trailing down Cas' cheeks. Cas smiled, small and hesitant, as they both sat down again, the area the table was in suddenly a lot more deserted than it had been. “What does this mean?” Cas asked, voice small, but Dean preferred it so much over that deadpan fact-flinging one he'd been using earlier.

“Well,” Dean begun, looking contemplative. “I guess it means you're my boyfriend now?” At Cas' shocked expression, Dean quickly blurted out “But only if that's what you want, of course.”

Cas laughed, and that was the first time Dean had seen him happy. He decided that his new mission in life was to make this happen as often as humanly possible, because his soulmate had the most beautiful laugh in the world.

“I never thought I'd say this, not after everything, after all that time being so afraid of finding my soulmate, but I think... I think I'd like that.” Cas smiled again, and Dean practically melted.

“We should start over.” Dean held out his hand for Cas to shake. “I'm Dean, and I like working on my car and singing and long walks on the beach. I'm going to college in the fall to become an electrical engineer because I love taking stuff apart and putting it back together again. I think pie should be its own food group, and I apparently have a thing for blue eyed guys in oversized hoodies. I've been looking for my soulmate since I was four, and now that I've finally found him, I am never, ever letting go.”

Cas just looked overwhelmed. When Dean indicated that it was his turn, he cleared his throat. “Umm, I'm Castiel, and.... I've been afraid for most of my life, and now that I found I don't have to be, I'm finding that I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.” They both laughed at the honesty of that statement.

“You wanna, like, go back to my place and talk or something?” Dean asked when he noticed one of the employees giving them a bit of the stink eye.

“Yeah,” Cas said, laughing slightly. “I think I would.”

“I'm parked out front,” Dean said as he gathered up the trash on the table. “Just gotta say goodbye to Charlie. And thank her, too.”

“I should probably tell Gabe where I'm headed,” Cas said, pushing his seat back underneath the table.

“Don't you need to, like, stick with him or something? You're babysitting him, right?”

“He's fifteen, I think he's capable of walking himself home,” Cas said as they started walking towards the trash can nearest to where Charlie and Gabe had went off to.

Dean stopped in his tracks, causing Cas to bump into his back. “That pipsqueak is fifteen?” He shouted. There was no way that short stack was a freaking year older than Sammy.

“That pipsqueak can hear you, you know. Hell, pretty sure they heard it a few states over,” Gabe said, flipping Dean the bird. “And that pipsqueak also wants you to know that if you hurt his brother, they will never find your body.”

“Gabe!” Cas admonished.

Gabe just shrugged. “It's true.”

That was when Dean started laughing, and Charlie joined him. Gabe started laughing too, and Cas tried glaring at his little brother but then ended up laughing with everybody else. Dean hugged Charlie goodbye, and Cas pushed against Gabe's shoulder in the international sign of brotherly affection before the two left the ice cream parlor. Dean's grin was enormous, and compared to his usual demeanor Cas' was rather enormous too. They got in and Dean started the ignition. Even before they had left the parking lot, Cas was already laughing at some stupid observation Dean had made. Yeah, this was more like it. Definitely.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, that just... kinda hurt me a little. I usually feel like I'm not writing the story, that the story is writing itself and just using my fingers to get it on paper. With this one, that was especially true, because I was NOT planning on making this so freaking angsty. I actually had to take breaks from writing every so often, not because I didn't know what to write yet or because I was tired, but because the angst, and the feeling of torturing my poor babies, was just too much and I'd have to stop for awhile before I literally started crying. But, I think it ended fairly well, so hopefully that will help any guilt I feel over putting them all through so damn much.


End file.
